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Tag: unproposed guy

A Tinder Chat

Posted on by Bhavik Sarkhedi

This is a story from a couple of years ago when I had recently joined Tinder.I had read a tweet by a boy I now call my saviour. According to the hero, you can put your picture on Tinder upside down so that when a girl sees your picture and obviously swipes left owing to your ugliness, she actually ends up swiping right.

The confidence I had on my ugliness, tricking the girl to swipe right was the only option. Being single for an year, I readily took the advice and started to implement his plan. I now had to choose an ugly picture and choosing one from the four pictures I had clicked in the last year wasn’t really a task.

Yes, all wasn’t smooth sailing as I now had to remove the YOLO sticker from the picture which would have given the trick away but you know what they say- you have to give up something to get something better. I updated my profile and the same day started to get requests from girls that were even out of my league to dream about. Oh yes. Finally a right swap after full 15 days. (I had joined Tinder 15 days ago).

Before the girl realized her mistake, I had already turned on my Desi charm.
‘Hello miss’ I texted her, reluctantly deleting ‘Nice pic dyr’ following the ‘Top 10 things not do to while talking to a girl.’
‘Hi. I was going to block you right away but it was a nice trick. I have to give you that.’
Jumping on the bed, I replied ‘Where are you from?’
‘Delhi. Where do you put up?’
‘Put up what?’
‘Yourself?’
‘Usually on the floor. I rarely lie down. I am a fitness freak that way.’ I replied getting proud of my message. I was always the gym freak of my group and wouldn’t miss a chance of letting people know that. Basically, I was the CA of the gym world.
‘Hahaha you are so funny.’
Confused what was funny about my message, I continued the conversation ‘Any hobbies? ‘
‘I like to read and write. You?’
‘Gymming.’
‘Oh I too love gymming. What’s your favourite machine?’
‘All’ I said backspacing ‘right next to whichever the hot girl is using’
‘That’s cool. I also like to cook in my free time. Do you?’
‘I don’t get you.’
‘I mean do you like to cook food at your home?’
‘Sorry I thought you were interested in men. Hope you find yourself a good woman.’ I had only watched my mother and sisters cook, so such a question confused me. Atleast I wasn’t a homophobe(phew). Ofcourse, sexism and misogyny wasn’t a part of the ‘Top 10 things not to follow in your life’ I had read.
For the readers- I am a better person now and don’t fall into the binaries of gender or a good and committed relationship 😉

6 Reasons Why Customization Is the New Marketing Strategy [New Version]

Posted on by Bhavik Sarkhedi

Gone are the days when customers run behind specific products or services for their need or luxury; today as many service providers and suppliers, where differentiation for choice has become very important, and a bit tough. That’s where the new age ‘Customization’ weapon has come into play for businesses. Every Customer is unique with their set of demands or needs. To identify that uniqueness and cater to them is the recipe to win over the today’s customers.

The customization is definitely the newest branding strategy as it plays an important role in increasing the efficiency, ensures maximum optimization of resources at hand, & cutting down unwarranted wastage.

1. Customize CRM System to Wow Your Customers

Every business unit even in the same industry will differ from one another, in various criteria, ranging from the size of the company to place, to business/delivery model. This ever-changing market environment with a different business unit, a different style of operation, and different set of needs will demand a unique solution. A common CRM for a global level MNC and for a localized e-commerce business will not work the same way. Customized CRM Software has been one of the most sought solutions in the market because CRM deals with the collection of correct and relevant data for business activity, which becomes the base for analysis and future action, it becomes imperative that CRM software works in synchronization with the business unit and caters to its specific demand.

Streamlining the process and making it available when you want it and then using it to convert the lead is going to offer an edge over others. Easier conversation, reduced the problem and increased sales is what you love to see, right? If you’re wondering which CRM is the best? You could take a look here.

2. Customize Live Chat Platforms To Connect with the Audience 24×7

It is a well-known fact that handling the customers is no easy task. The live chat software is a tool that grants the businesses to create a better customer experience and for this they need the custom-made software, uniquely designed only for them. The live chat will not only help you to decrease your operating cost but also save time for employees per day.

Installing the live chat software for big companies is an obvious tool and the benefits are convincing in all ways. From extending the automation to your employees and customers to using multiple languages to deal with customers from all fronts, it helps you to connect to your audience emotionally and makes a conversation easier and short. Imagine a customer explaining his/her problem for 15 minutes straight. What did you get? Probably an annoyed customer vowing to never call up again. Not too good for the business.

3. Customize The Website To Carve A Niche In The Market

This is one of the primary things to do and unfortunately, not many businesses have taken it seriously. A good website is like the bright and tidy showroom that showcases your products/services and gives an ample idea about your well-being. How many of us would like to scroll the shabby looking, jargon-filled and illegible content? Not many.

A beautifully designed website with legible fonts, intelligent use of the keywords and one that is offering brief and convincing details on the products/services proves beneficial to the business. Check where your competitor is lacking and fill that lacuna with your intelligence. Personal or professional, both websites have the advantage of being recognized for their look and feel and yes, people love to read fresh and interesting content and look at testimonials and photos.

4. Customize Communication To Attain A Closer Relationship With Customers

Correct and apt communication is the backbone of any business activity and businesses recognizing business customers and their needs will alleviate credibility and imbibes the reliability factor.

A small sample survey showed, an advertising mail, with no personal touch, generally finds its place in spam folder, however, similar advertising mail, addressing the reader by his/her name, and with interactive content, induces the reader to click on the link to check out the offer. Nowadays the e-commerce company, after the consent, also verifies the cookies of the Internet browsing of customers.The site records the surf history and later offers based on the readers’ interest, then analyzing Internet surfing history.

5. Remodel Business Processes / Tools to Suit the Needs of Mass

As discussed above every enterprise even if in similar industry varies from another enterprise / business unit, with its unique set of requirements and deliverables, hence to optimize the operation to maximize the return by efficient functioning, customizing processes of use.

It’s wise to adopt. Rigidity has finished many businesses and will continue its job if the businesses today don’t consider the changing atmosphere of doing the business. A customized business process offers you a chance to check the business process, check and make necessary changes wherever possible/necessary to fit the scenario. A customized business process is the need of time and moreover it gives a relie,f from the age-old business practices that have become obsolete.

6. Customize Business Cards to Create an Effective Recall Value

A business card is not only a graceful way to create a reminisce but a manifestation that you want to reach out to more people personally and professionally to expand your business. A customized business card with concrete messages , you use used for both personal and professional reasons and while it is a tangible way to connect with more audience, potential clients and advertise your business, it also lets you brand your products and services in a desirable way.

This article is originally published here: 

https://thenextscoop.com/customization-is-the-new-marketing-strategy/ 

I personally have customized so many t-shirts of which I would love to show my one: #UnproposedGuy

IMG_3013 IMG_3021 un proposed guy

He is Unproposed, not Desperate- The Unproposed Guy

Posted on by Bhavik Sarkhedi

He drinks green tea, not just espresso.

He likes music, not just Despacito and cliché so.

He is funny but he fails to show it off to his girl.

She gets sweet gifts but he just can’t buy a pearl.

He loves it when the gown he bought makes a twirl.

Like everyone, he too needs a partner.

Unlike anyone, he wishes to be her armor.

Though he was a charmer, sharper and smarter,

Unfortunately, he becomes her kindergartner.

He drives her crazy in long rides, being himself with her.

Nonetheless, she considers him as her chauffeur.

He is not rude; he is straightforward.

Nevertheless, she thinks it’s awkward.

She has many friends in guys, he is insecure.

To get her attention, he skips his supper.

Her touch is ecstatic for him, he senses.

Her smile makes his whole day, feels head over heels.

Every time she calls on him, he drops what he does.

He wasn’t her best bud but that wasn’t the fuzz.

She can’t be her friend, he thinks.

Before he is friend zoned, he kneels.

So he proposes her and makes a jinx.

Like every other, she says ‘You are not the one’.

It was all over again when it was time to run.

He thought all his life he stood by her side.

But she just considered him Romeo who always lied.

He felt out of pride and the high tide rose inside.

Why is it so that his rhyme has to be perfect and his delivery flawless?

Why is it so that the burden is always on him who can’t seek solace?

Why is it so that he is devoid of love and care and becomes clueless?

He may not be Chandler Bing but he has a good sense of humor.

He may not be Sheldon Cooper but he has no brain tumor.

He may not be your fictional character, but he is a real funny narrator.

To all the ones who think ‘I lack that (P-Factor) Proposed-Factor’

Actually, you don’t lack anything because you are a New-clear reactor.

He may not be romantic because he ain’t plastic.

He may not take you to Atlantic, but he is fantastic.

<He may not be proposed anytime because he ain’t desperate every time>

Tinder is where a guy looks for another guy!

Posted on by Bhavik Sarkhedi

I didn’t know that I will do it to this extent. I certainly couldn’t believe what I saw. I had no idea what to do with it and so, I am sharing it with you guys and girls of ‘Tinder’ age.  It was that midnight when I completed a year but was unable to celebrate the anniversary, it was a 365-day completion of my Tinder installation and I have not been able to find a single date.

Adding salt to my misery, the roommate told me, “Bhai, you owe me 300 something bucks. You subscribed for some shit and all.”

Yes, I had told my friend that it was a Hotstar subscription and he would always wonder why I would deny sharing my smartphone for an hour or so to watch the GOT episodes. Turned out that day he found out that I purchased a paid version of Tinder and he freaked out.

“Saala, dost to chu**ya banata hein. How many dates did you find in this one month?”

Soon after he realized that I couldn’t find any date from the paid version, there was a 2-minutes silence in our apartment and we decided to make use of that one last day of the paid application.

This is how we did it- The unexpected search of all the ‘Un-dated Guys’ like me, I gave them the name ‘The Unproposed Guys’.

Since we had the paid app, we turned our settings from finding ‘Female’ to finding ‘Male’ and went on to check the entire categories of guy profiles across the country. We changed locations, we changed ages, and we changed settings to get ‘That One Guy’ who will be like us (Funniest, Weirdest and Ugliest). We were wrong.

There weren’t any such profile, there were many. 😀  : D

Guys so becomes a salesman when they showoff. I will start with one of the primary profiles which excited us both to make that night the most memorable and laughable (on others).

  • ‘Swipe Right To Know More, Dear.’

Wow, this is the worst and the slowest click bait ever. The guy is so confident that the girl will swipe him right although he had 3 pictures of ‘Shree Ganesh’, ‘Shree Krishna’ and ‘Vishnu’ in his profile. May the lords bless him and his bait!

  • ‘Hit me up if you feel so, baby.’

That’s what I wanted to do it. The TED talk taught me to have confidence but I didn’t get the guts to say this in virtual world where only women will read it, only women. After this, I came across many irrelevant phrases that made no sense but were written so dauntlessly that I ‘laughed on my feet’, yea, this kind of phrases.

  • ‘I am here for few days only, ladies. Hurry up.’

Where is the loudspeaker we haven’t used since ages, Samrat? He turned it on and I laughed it with the mic in my hand until he turned it off because I felt relieved and relaxed. Yes, I am not the only stupidest guy in the world. Actually, the world is full of it. Hurry up? Seriously? Didn’t I tell you about the sales pitch? Hence, proved.

Within 3 hours that I will remember the most in my life, we had traveled to 15 countries and scrolled almost 500 profiles that were utter bullshit. When I told my friend in excitement, “Drinks on me, tomorrow”, only then I realized that we were already high without alcohol. Man, I haven’t expressed my honest emotions sober. He said, “I am proud of you, Bhavik”. We hugged laughing, for about two seconds, but then we remember that we saw few cool profiles too and we hugged crying.

Moving on.

  • ‘90s lover. Let’s meet at your balcony. I will be downstairs. Whatsapp me: 84600342**’
  • ‘I am getting married soon but I don’t want my wife to tell me that I didn’t have any girlfriend till date, so let’s date.’
  • ‘My mother forced me to register on shaadi.com & my father told me to come here.’
  • ‘People are talking about this app. Let’s try it. Who wants to date me first?’

I told Samrat to bring near the mic but he denied. I somehow managed to laugh monstrously enough to wake the neighbors up. This apartment is full of bachelors, so whatever.

  • ‘Dheeraj, my name is slow but I am not. Email me @dheeraj.notsoslow@gmail.com’
  • ‘Jignesh. Gujju but I don’t like Gathiya, Fafda or Garba. Date me, please, I am cute.’

Man, you should love all those things. Where is your dignity? Be proud of being a Gujju. Before I could buck him up telepathically, Samrat reminded me when I ate egg (being Jain) just to convince a girl (which eventually didn’t work out) that I am not afraid of hens. Hahahahaaha.

  • ‘Gayrish. I am gay. My gf doesn’t know it. Need a girl with whom I can share my feelings because guys don’t listen to me anymore.

A recall to the Un-famous & Un-Proposed me

Posted on by Bhavik Sarkhedi

Approximately before a year, I wrote this :

A recall to the unfamous me.

I will keep writing this until I become famous (You can laugh OUT loud).

So, I was at the project café, alone (do you doubt?) and happy (you wish). I could see two couples but did eavesdrop of one. The one I wish I didn’t. Like-Bhavik & her dates of 2013–14–15 in a café, where even the waiters could anticipate the newness and extravaganza. It was usual and fun; they both enjoyed and had a great time, I assumed and would definitely move to the next date, only if I could confirm.

The other duo, like always and like every other days, were embarrassing me because the girl was so beautiful and I couldn’t figure out a way to find a single reason if the boy was nearly intellectual or smart or (nahi, handsome to tha) aur ha (Paisewala bhi tha) okay, where was I? Why was the girl with that guy? Are haan, paise ka bol dia na mene? Acha chalo, next.

The girls sometimes looks so beautiful to me that I don’t even feel like I am human, I am just a pet dog, a real pet dog, who wants to ride the car but would always be in the lap of the side seater, aur me bhi, matlab, muh mese shabd nahi nikalte itni achi wali bhai, matlab k tum pucho hi mat, babu.

Anokhi aaur Adhuri daastayein of how a normal guy was forced to transform into ‘The Unproposed Guy’. A Scientific Definition of #UnProposedGuy (Because wo science student tha)

Unproposed= An unlucky human being who has never had any eye contact with a girl & doesn’t know what ‘Love at First Sight’ is.

Maths (Because it’s necessary) — When you add this guy to any point of line, it becomes pointless.

Physics (Duniya kayam hein) — This guy, like energy, can neither be created nor destroyed. It just transforms meaninglessly.

Chemistry (He had never had any) — Un (Bun without B) + Pro (Master of none) + Pose (What?) + D (Ex) <=> This Guy (Reversible Reaction)

PS- The Unproposed Guy hates everything that includes & involves Coitus.

Here, how the #unproposedguy will miss himself.

Once upon a ‘Before-millenial’ era, an ugly child was born.

Not his fault, the whole town was ugly. (Fortunately, child had no single horn)

Moving to a city made no difference & gave him a beamer.

In fact, his life was less creamer, became gradually dimmer.

Moving to another big city, the decision was lamer

Jese faltu mein koi fast bowler se ban gaya spinner.

‘You can’t keep a girl- NO!’ now, he was a role model for every loser.

His life was a lie, lied between ‘Aww’ and ‘Ooo’, never befitted as a winner.

The Weak Point Dealer aka Douchebag’s Dude walked a mile.

Even the name Lame Loader didn’t help him to sit on the aisle.

So, in frustration, he checked some old files for a while.

He realized he would never be able to impress other genders.

Thus, start hua ek silsilla, an essay of all blunders.

From all those blunders, he always expected some wonders.

That wonderful day, the ‘wonder’ happened wonderfully and then, he lived happily. ‘Not The End’.

To.be.continued.

This article was originally published on Medium.com