Bhavik in the Confused Wonderland
An Open Book (Some Pages from his Personal Diary)
Caution: Below narration is purely an array of my scared soul and menacing mind.
Feb 22, 2015
Walking alone along the solitary highway, I was thinking what was so wrong with me then. It was just the 2nd day at my new company (The Anuswara) and I was feeling, yes that scared feeling that still something is wrong.
Is it because of the profession I am into?
Have I put an axe on my legs leaving engineering 5 months ago?
Where is the confident bhavik who used to be jolly and jaunty all the time?
Unknown of where I was walking and what force was motivating me to even walk, I was strangling from inside. How happy my parents used to be when I was in AMW (As Engineer) as they were tension-free and relaxed considering my future was secure. Then, one single day, another day, then another day when I really gave deep thoughts of what I really like to be, what I really want to be, what I really think I can be. I quit AMW and all hopes of my parents but still I was confident of doing something in writing- Lots and lots to do with it- Millions of direction was pushing and pulling – It was time to think again through the bottleneck. (TOP SECRET) Without letting anyone know, without telling anyone about the resignation, I started to work for a blog (In Partnership) www.tenuz.com & to make it a news portal was our goal. Through AdSense, we had figured out that we can earn handsome amount of money. 2 Months later, we knew that it did not work. It failed, yes it again failed, just like my book ‘The Weak Point Dealer’. The bitter truth, the most resentful thought came, “What the hell is happening? Why am I wasting, spoiling and decaying my money and time in weaving words? Why have I spent almost all my savings and capital behind the thing that isn’t my fate actually?
Can I never be a good script writer or a better novelist?
Will I be devoid to go in ‘TVF’, ‘AIB’ and any creative firms?
Why I fail in every test of writing that I give to the above firms?
Am I really good in writing or was that just the illusion?
How come I never think a second before spending on my writing?
These questions were lot many but enough to answer some of my weird and new thinking I have developed for myself:
I can’t and haven’t fit with any of the new colleagues, friends or neighbors I meet at new rent place, job or any neutral venue( since I have left Engineer). I act strange like I don’t like them (even without knowing them). Yes, I put a mask on my face every time I go out in this world.
FLASHBACK: There was a time when people around me would want and crave and demand and wish me to crack a joke and make everybody laugh. Yes, I still am the same bhavik when I meet my closest and dearest people in the world, but I don’t know why what happens to this extrovert and fun loving guy when he sees-meets every other guys and girls in the world & behaves like a dumb and introvert? Why this Dual-personality?
I was not sleepy but I was exhaust so I thought of returning back to my place so that I get some motivation to go back to my new workplace and do the thing I feel pity to do, I hate to do, I wish I could change it, I don’t really like to
“Earn Money and Bread eventually for the Survival”
How sad is that? I mean, really? Bhavik is a guy who doesn’t like making new friends but he has so many close friends with whom he is cool and original. He is working as a designation he wanted to but he is not happy. What is it that he is finding?
When he tried to sleep half consciously, he was speaking to himself,
“I am so creating in things and stuffs like Songs Rapping, Right Arm Fast Bowler in Cricket, Movie Fan, Reading Books, Visualizing every nearby surrounding and routine into my mind-script. Everytime I help a poor or feed a dog gives me so much pleasure and bliss that even my paycheque don’t give. May be I am creative but not up to the mark, so people don’t consider me. May be I need some training, practice and struggle to work on my writing. May be, I need time. May be, I am a normal guy wanted to be special thinking that I am special.
But what about my ambitions I have to be a great script writer or behind the scenes’ hero?
Why my every step into my career puts me drags me back into mud again?
Why I want to run far away to the place where nobody knows me?
What is wrong with me?
Why I become so dumb and numb sometimes that I even forget/hesitate/doubt/waver my writing?”
1 unread mail:
Thank you for your application. We are overwhelmed by your response. We got more than 20000 applications and we selected our top 9 contestants. Please don’t lose hope and try next year.
I cried, I couldn’t stop myself as I took my shawl to shout out loud but couldn’t as I knew that there is something positive for me coming up but I don’t have any shoulders to cry on. It reminded me when my such application was rejected in biggest Zee TV, TVF and other famous brands’s competition. To add some salt to my injury, I always remember at last that my Girlfriend who stayed with me for 4 years finally went to a guy and may be the only difference why she chose him was his ‘Status’, ‘Prestige’ or let me be straight forward ‘Materialism’. I laugh and cry saying, “I was ambitious, maybe I could have been like him if given time.”
I cried, cried, and I slept…
(Every night, I do one positive thing: I count my failures every day and try to figure out optimistically that more the count/numbers of failures nearer will be my good time)
Being the topper till 12th, I still repent and regret why I couldn’t pursue ‘mass communication’ degree .Unfortunately, I was not aware, known or alert about such things. Anyways, Engineering was good.
Starting from ‘Soup for the Soul’ blogspot, to the ‘The Randomz’ to several many websites I created that failed and then I started investing on such things to make it lucrative. Publishing book was the worst thing I ever did in my life. Making and striving to join and run start-ups, making funny facebook and instagram, working for high authority sites, learning new things daily to do many things pages to 2013- Octover 23,2015.( On October 23, 2015 I started www.tenuz.com) The very ambitious bhavik, the jubilant bhavik was a junk now. He has no aims-goals-dreams to fulfill. He is so negative that he thinks to be saint, run away from home-city, hurts himself, but not struggle.
Then, One day, he talks to one of the God’s Messenger. But he is so confused to narrate his troubles that he is scared and frightened. Since Bhavik’s favorite song is ‘I am not afraid to take a stand’, he decides to directly and clearly tell everything and every query of the universe he has inside him.
I am good at writing but I don’t want to do/be writing what somebody tells; I know it sounds crazy but I want to write something from my mind, something I like to. You know, when I go out for work, I peek into every degrees around me like a panorama and narrates the scene inside as I am writing something and like a storyteller, …You know…when a children of pauper plays just with the wooden cart full of mud makes him/her smile, it makes me smile and think ‘why people are running behind money?’.. when I help any aged person cross the road, he bless me …and …some spark .inside thunders happens..when I feed dog as I love to do it daily , they love me – I am good in emotions but I know I needs practice and guidance because I am an amateur in it . The only good thing about me in writing is my bullshit thought “I think I can be one of the pinnacle or pioneer but let me just try, let me just get a chance” I don’t want to work under someone, I don’t wish to do what everyone tells me to /orders me to/ I don’t like to ..Is it so hard to live for yourself? To do what you love? Why am I suffering like hell? Am I so vague in my approach and plans to accomplish my dreams that I have just failed?
What would happen to a guy who left Engineering on October 20, 2015 but his 2 months: October 23- December 23,2015 just spoils like anything with nothing but lost hope. Then he joins firm Krish Technolabs and consoled himself that dreams are just fairyland and before he could live his life settled, they FIREEEEEEEEEED HIM, YES!
“The writing was not good / upto the mark”, exclaims the boss and CEO.
Hopefully and before he could do anything wrong and bad with himself, he joins on the very next day after he was thrown.
I am optimistic and pessimistic, introvert and extrovert, totally emotionless and fully sentimental; I think I don’t know me, I hate materialism but I come across the fact that I might had but I lost it. I hate to be fake and put a mask but yet I imitate and manipulate me. I hate my life but yet I am living it…..