The Miserably Funny Dance

The show was not boring but I hadn’t heard any song the performer was playing. Also, there were no hot cheeks beside, near, or around me. The friend who came with me must be devastated as he is handsome enough to score but what a luck. It was already couple of hours. I wasn’t enjoying the songs the performer sang on the dance. Two things: I went there as I got the tickets for free. Also, there were no hot girls sitting around me. It was time to leave. I felt it was the most ridiculously wasted time of my life (Yeah, well, otherwise, I would have made an impact).

Anyways, we were going to the gates when we heard a song that was one of my favorites. I and my friend chose to go to the other side (standing side) where we could shake our booty.

Guys were in group, with girls, and vice versa. It’s just the matter of time when we would go out of the park repenting about the devoid of beautiful cheeks in our lives, especially mine, only mine. :D. Whatever.

My Dude Friend was trying to dance towards a group who were ‘Bindaas’ in their ‘Dapper’ ‘Swagger’ and ‘Sensuous’ dancing steps. While I have always known my ‘Aukaat’, I was moving my hands on the other side. It was just the matter of few minutes when I recalled the ‘Osho’ lesson (Yes, I visited the Pune Ashram once). The lesson was simple- Dance like no one is watching.

The Beginning of the Failed Dance

I danced. I danced like no one was watching. I haven’t had drugs or weed or alcohol (I am Gujarati) in my life but I am sure that was how it must be like. I was so into the dancing, I though I achieved the salvation. I remembered how my dancer friend ‘Samrat DC’ once expressed about his passion and how it has helped him in his personal life.

I had closed my eyes. I was doing head banging (with my spectacles in my hand). I was conscious about my radius I would bang my legs and stretch my arms. The Gym so came into the effect; the stamina had increased.

That was when my dude friend told me, “Bro, The Group beside us is trying to imitate your moves, every moves. I am jealous.”

It was already 25 minutes that I was head banging. Literally. Seriously. Genuinely, I didn’t turn back to see who was following my steps. I started with my dance again, considering the fact that I should remain in the salvation, ignoring the human psyche.

After few minutes, as expected, the 3 guys from the group, approached me, asking, “What’s your name? Where are you from?” The answer was very calm, gentle and polite. I still remember the looks and respect those young guys of second semester of engineering gave me; I also remember the ‘No look and No Respect from the Girls. I felt oblivious, obviously.

It was my saturation. The stamina lowered down. The energy, the momentum fell. The Gravity succeeded. I sat down on the ground.

I looked to myself, all rained by my perspiration, felt like the fountains of heavens.

I looked around, girls beautiful as angels

, felt out of league for me. I smiled to myself. I went to all the boys to say goodbye. I resisted myself. I didn’t go to any of the girls. I turned back, telling my friend, “The white top cheek was looking at you. Go approach her.”

I walked alone, in the midst of the crowd, not a single person looking at me, not a single individual praising the madness I showed in dancing, not a pat, not a word of praise. I turned back.

 ‘Like the tiger in Life of Pi doesn’t care about his master when he reaches his jungle’

, I felt I would never be respected or applauded being a common man, no matter how hard I would work or how miraculous my work would seem. It’s all about ‘An unknown force’ that drives you to do the impossible.

We left. My friend was busy discussing about the ‘failed attempt’ with the girl he approached. I was dumbstruck in ‘The Failed Dance’ I did.

 This article/funny story is originally written on Medium
Do you have any hilarious tale in your mind but can’t mold? Reach me, I am a copywriter based in Vadodara.

The Lift, simply.

No, No. I am not going to be erotic. Definitely not with how the 50 shades of grey showed the audience what can possibly happen in a lift. It’s just a different unromantic story. Like I said, you know the end, I don’t make it somehow, but except that, you need to know how it is to be with (I don’t know about ‘On’ or ‘Below)a girl, observing silently and sometimes, talking, I am sorry, murmuring to yourself.

This is about one of the times when I am alone with the girl in a lift. Fast Forward. The lift suddenly stopped. The security alarm was already raised. It was the matter of time we had to go through. She succeeded, I failed.

The first couple of minutes was just the unconscious state of mind where we fear death but then, we realize, it’s not a horror movie. The next minutes we take out our smartphones, to call the concerned person. Seriously? I still dial the f***ing 10 digits to call my friends and families. I didn’t have any useful number. I was a douche. I am not saying it, she must have said when she asked me if I had any relevant helpful number.

By the time I nodded horizontally, I felt so optimistic about the situation if I had few saved number. I think I got married in my imagination. Yes, certainly, she wasn’t impressed with my looks, because Duh, you are bald at the age of 25, and who wears toilet slippers outside the house?

God hears of those who helps others. Quoted Right?

I finally got my moment, I call it, the “Masturbation Moment” where some scene would occur to me and I would click it for its later use. I had to lift her up since we were on midway floors. Catching her from the waist, thin waist, softly thin waist, I lift her on the lift and don’t guess, what lifted itself eventually?

Not a single word spoken. Felt dumbstruck, disgusted and dead. I managed to get out of that cubicle hell that made me look fool to a beautiful.

This short funny tale is originally published here

Feel free to reach the copywriter based at Vadodara, Bhavik Sarkhedi

Loads, Lmao, Stand Up, Sit down, Laugh, Sledge, Load again.

A small poem for those who still loves 90s

 

Be a child with your parents,

Be a dumbass with your friends,

Be a mature with your colleagues,

Be the combination of all with your partner

Some Miscellaneous before I start my laughably boring ride

Whatsapp= Where ‘Thumbs up’ is the worst

Facebook= Where ‘Thumbs up ‘is used occasionally, frequently and forcefully

Tinder- Where ‘Middle Finger ‘ is used literally after virtual ‘Thumbs up’

Metup= Failed Tinder

Happn=It never happens in India

Paytm ka Almamater= Cashback

Instagram= I want to be with/like Snapchat

Snapchat= I am taken

Twitter= I am committed till 140 characters

Reddit= I am origin of everything on Internet

Quora= I think I am Reddit for Indians

Wikipedia= Sadly, I am turning to be Quora slowly

Tumblr= Who am I? What’s the fuzz?

Pinterst= I am everywhere in Google Images after Imgur

Playstore= Kind of a ‘Free’ store

Itunes= Not so kind and free

FM=I still exist

Calculator= When you can’t add 10+10

*Ladies & Their Not-so-gentlemen, please welcome the next standup comedian, Bhavik Sarkhedi, author of three published but flopped books and an aspiring copywriter unlike Ogilvy.

Hello Beautiful Girls & Just Guys,

I am Bhavik Sarkhedi, I just came here to check if I can make at least a single person laugh because no, my roomies don’t even giggle on my PJs. This is my first open mic ever. So, yes, I am scared and there’s definitely going to be a shit of load on you, so bear & spare me.

All the Grammar Nazis,

Kindly ignore your ego to rectify my auxiliary verbs, abstract nouns and any weird adjectives that I tried to fit into the conversation when you aren’t laughing. Please.

And needless to say, this work is purely fictional and I don’t want to hurt anyone’s feelings, but I may 😀

It’s because ‘meri feelings bhi hurt hui hein’.

I remember the time when I anchored a college function (I shouldn’t), I spoke, “Rangeela, mane maro dhol” instead of “ Rangelo maro dhol”.

Arrrrrr Arrrrrrr

What would have struck my mind at that time?

Temperature is below 30 degrees, Ye plane ab udega

Journey Title= Orkut se Snapchat Tak.

That mediocre guy is like “Dono nahi pata” Don’t worry bro, Instagram ayega bichme

So, it all started when I found my match, not a tinder, but a room match, I am his soul mate because he is single, he is genius. I call him ‘G spot’.

It’s hard to find him too.

Recently, I was updating my facebook profile and he said:Bhai, duniya reddit pe hein and you are still on FB. I don’t use FB blah.

This guy ruined my life with his singleness. The vibes were so strong that he made me single too. I was so happy and contended with Facebook and he advised me to try Twitter.

You know my mother had made a matrimonial resume too.

Engineer, Skills: Facebook Photography, 100 likes guaranteed, speculates a rise of 300 percent hike if gets a wife.

Ruined. Verified.

I tried but couldn’t get any number of 3 figures of followers in Twitter.

It’s so tough to get ‘Unpaid’ and ‘Unpadh’ followers, man.

In facebook, you can write shit: You can write an essay because nobody gives a damn about you in real life.

In Twitter, I felt more lonely and insecure. I can’t expres myself. So, I would start with (in order to fit in 140 characters), “Girl, I saw you in pink, I blinked,..Can we have sex please, please? I will pay return fare too.”

Transition was difficult “Photographer” se “Writer”

I told my mother to edit my resume too.

Edit: Requires only 140 characters to reach sexting.

Just when I learned Twitter, Facebook found his love ‘Instagram’.

What the hell? ‘Ab toh mein Writer Hun, na ma? Fir se Photographer ban jau?

It’s so a feminist social network. I failed in that too.

Then my friend came “Bhai, Snapchat daala, Snapchat daala?” I was furious.

I said, “Out of so many important things to daal, you always asks me for something I am devoid of. I feel impotent.”

I tell you, I can never ever Snapchat, It’s a nightmare app. So, I thought I would better switch to Orkut but then I knew it was shut down. Now, I only had one option.

PORN

Tell me, what’s one of the common things in lick, dick, suck and fuck? It’s the CK

Calvin Klein.

I saw the quote on one of my virgin friend’s mobile cover, “68. You owe me one.”

What? What?

I couldn’t resist but told him “Dude, 69 is ulta sex. When was the last time you had siddha sex?”

He said, I am single and I need no love.

I was like “Bhai, Tu gaali me bhi love boldeta hein. You don’t say lode, you have always said love de.”

Okay, we are talking about porn and I must say that it’s funny sometimes when there is a foreplay in the foreplay.

The hero- The accountant, the robber, banker, plumber, pizza guy, the president

Anybody except a normal homo sapien finds the toughest way to enter into the house of a hot woman,

The opened front door.

The lady, for some reason, I don’t know and I wouldn’t even try to figure out why the woman is cooking naked.

Then somehow after they talk and when he does something, she says, ‘No, you can’t do this to me. It’s wrong.’

Okay, wait. So, cooking naked with the door open was right?

I be like “Let him do his job, you do some blowjob and so that I can finish my climax job.”

Dekho she is saying, “Na na” and I am feeling they are bargaining.

It’s like the hero said, “Sirf ek kiss & anal, baal bandhlo, bun banalo aur man manalo”

And when she says, “No”

I with one hand controlled and could raise just one hand said, “

Give him love, behen ki love di. He licks, you suck, and that is how you will be fucked.

PORN= We write it right

Tinder is where a guy looks for another guy!

I didn’t know that I will do it to this extent. I certainly couldn’t believe what I saw. I had no idea what to do with it and so, I am sharing it with you guys and girls of ‘Tinder’ age.  It was that midnight when I completed a year but was unable to celebrate the anniversary, it was a 365-day completion of my Tinder installation and I have not been able to find a single date.

Adding salt to my misery, the roommate told me, “Bhai, you owe me 300 something bucks. You subscribed for some shit and all.”

Yes, I had told my friend that it was a Hotstar subscription and he would always wonder why I would deny sharing my smartphone for an hour or so to watch the GOT episodes. Turned out that day he found out that I purchased a paid version of Tinder and he freaked out.

“Saala, dost to chu**ya banata hein. How many dates did you find in this one month?”

Soon after he realized that I couldn’t find any date from the paid version, there was a 2-minutes silence in our apartment and we decided to make use of that one last day of the paid application.

This is how we did it- The unexpected search of all the ‘Un-dated Guys’ like me, I gave them the name ‘The Unproposed Guys’.

Since we had the paid app, we turned our settings from finding ‘Female’ to finding ‘Male’ and went on to check the entire categories of guy profiles across the country. We changed locations, we changed ages, and we changed settings to get ‘That One Guy’ who will be like us (Funniest, Weirdest and Ugliest). We were wrong.

There weren’t any such profile, there were many. 😀  : D

Guys so becomes a salesman when they showoff. I will start with one of the primary profiles which excited us both to make that night the most memorable and laughable (on others).

  • ‘Swipe Right To Know More, Dear.’

Wow, this is the worst and the slowest click bait ever. The guy is so confident that the girl will swipe him right although he had 3 pictures of ‘Shree Ganesh’, ‘Shree Krishna’ and ‘Vishnu’ in his profile. May the lords bless him and his bait!

  • ‘Hit me up if you feel so, baby.’

That’s what I wanted to do it. The TED talk taught me to have confidence but I didn’t get the guts to say this in virtual world where only women will read it, only women. After this, I came across many irrelevant phrases that made no sense but were written so dauntlessly that I ‘laughed on my feet’, yea, this kind of phrases.

  • ‘I am here for few days only, ladies. Hurry up.’

Where is the loudspeaker we haven’t used since ages, Samrat? He turned it on and I laughed it with the mic in my hand until he turned it off because I felt relieved and relaxed. Yes, I am not the only stupidest guy in the world. Actually, the world is full of it. Hurry up? Seriously? Didn’t I tell you about the sales pitch? Hence, proved.

Within 3 hours that I will remember the most in my life, we had traveled to 15 countries and scrolled almost 500 profiles that were utter bullshit. When I told my friend in excitement, “Drinks on me, tomorrow”, only then I realized that we were already high without alcohol. Man, I haven’t expressed my honest emotions sober. He said, “I am proud of you, Bhavik”. We hugged laughing, for about two seconds, but then we remember that we saw few cool profiles too and we hugged crying.

Moving on.

  • ‘90s lover. Let’s meet at your balcony. I will be downstairs. Whatsapp me: 84600342**’
  • ‘I am getting married soon but I don’t want my wife to tell me that I didn’t have any girlfriend till date, so let’s date.’
  • ‘My mother forced me to register on shaadi.com & my father told me to come here.’
  • ‘People are talking about this app. Let’s try it. Who wants to date me first?’

I told Samrat to bring near the mic but he denied. I somehow managed to laugh monstrously enough to wake the neighbors up. This apartment is full of bachelors, so whatever.

  • ‘Dheeraj, my name is slow but I am not. Email me @dheeraj.notsoslow@gmail.com’
  • ‘Jignesh. Gujju but I don’t like Gathiya, Fafda or Garba. Date me, please, I am cute.’

Man, you should love all those things. Where is your dignity? Be proud of being a Gujju. Before I could buck him up telepathically, Samrat reminded me when I ate egg (being Jain) just to convince a girl (which eventually didn’t work out) that I am not afraid of hens. Hahahahaaha.

  • ‘Gayrish. I am gay. My gf doesn’t know it. Need a girl with whom I can share my feelings because guys don’t listen to me anymore.

Creative ways cities are luring digital business to town

Location is important. It is of great value for a company if the owner or founder finds a location viable for the company’s growth. One needs to check a number of factors before deciding on the location. The attitude of the locals and the local government play major roles in how friendly or unfriendly a state might be towards entrepreneurial growth. Many municipalities in different regions usually offer some incentives to businesses to be set up in a specific region. But these incentives are not enough to decide the location of a business set up. Here are a few more features offered by many states to attract business enterprises in their states.
If there is a lot of paperwork that needs to be fulfilled before starting a digital business at a certain location, it is very discouraging for the owner. The company leaders feel that their power would be tampered with, which in turn will hamper their growth strategies. That is why cities with easy streamlined regulations are more alluring to open business enterprises. Moreover, it is the age of start-ups now. Hence, regulations which may slow down the growth of small businesses are not favoured. The tax situation is also scrutinised by the business leaders before recommending or situating their own company or its branches at a particular place.

The states with lowest amount of tax hassles are bound to attract more investors. And, the housing costs must also be reasonable. A low cost of living is required for the employees of a company at a location. If a company recruits from among recent college graduates, affordable housing locations are very beneficial. New employees would feel that they can save a lot while working for the company, which is a big incentive in itself.
But it is the age of sustainable development nowadays. Hence, development in commerce and industry must never be at the cost of local heritage, ethnicity and culture. The unique characteristics of humanity must be preserved.
Some sort of property tax break systems, if put into place, would make living cost fair not just for employees, but also for students in areas near colleges and universities. Ease of doing business is a major factor which attracts more investors and business investors to a particular location.

The National Capital Region is filled with different companies, and so is Mumbai, in India. The ease of doing business is rated very high in these regions. There may be many cities with dreams as big as the success case of Silicon Valley, but to achieve those dreams, it is the need of the hour to start being creative. States need to put forward some innovative methods to grab attention of companies as well as investors. The start-up ecosystem needs to be nurtured as well. Sometimes organizing cash prize events or any other creative events is helpful in drawing investors. Some states in the country have organised industrial meets, and start-up mentorship programmes in order to boost the inflow of investors, but such meets need to increase in frequency so that awareness is developed among people about the different kinds of potential in every state.
Hence, the states with the best of rules and hassle-free tax norms are bound to attract more digital business into the city.