A Tinder Chat

This is a story from a couple of years ago when I had recently joined Tinder.I had read a tweet by a boy I now call my saviour. According to the hero, you can put your picture on Tinder upside down so that when a girl sees your picture and obviously swipes left owing to your ugliness, she actually ends up swiping right.

The confidence I had on my ugliness, tricking the girl to swipe right was the only option. Being single for an year, I readily took the advice and started to implement his plan. I now had to choose an ugly picture and choosing one from the four pictures I had clicked in the last year wasn’t really a task.

Yes, all wasn’t smooth sailing as I now had to remove the YOLO sticker from the picture which would have given the trick away but you know what they say- you have to give up something to get something better. I updated my profile and the same day started to get requests from girls that were even out of my league to dream about. Oh yes. Finally a right swap after full 15 days. (I had joined Tinder 15 days ago).

Before the girl realized her mistake, I had already turned on my Desi charm.
‘Hello miss’ I texted her, reluctantly deleting ‘Nice pic dyr’ following the ‘Top 10 things not do to while talking to a girl.’
‘Hi. I was going to block you right away but it was a nice trick. I have to give you that.’
Jumping on the bed, I replied ‘Where are you from?’
‘Delhi. Where do you put up?’
‘Put up what?’
‘Yourself?’
‘Usually on the floor. I rarely lie down. I am a fitness freak that way.’ I replied getting proud of my message. I was always the gym freak of my group and wouldn’t miss a chance of letting people know that. Basically, I was the CA of the gym world.
‘Hahaha you are so funny.’
Confused what was funny about my message, I continued the conversation ‘Any hobbies? ‘
‘I like to read and write. You?’
‘Gymming.’
‘Oh I too love gymming. What’s your favourite machine?’
‘All’ I said backspacing ‘right next to whichever the hot girl is using’
‘That’s cool. I also like to cook in my free time. Do you?’
‘I don’t get you.’
‘I mean do you like to cook food at your home?’
‘Sorry I thought you were interested in men. Hope you find yourself a good woman.’ I had only watched my mother and sisters cook, so such a question confused me. Atleast I wasn’t a homophobe(phew). Ofcourse, sexism and misogyny wasn’t a part of the ‘Top 10 things not to follow in your life’ I had read.
For the readers- I am a better person now and don’t fall into the binaries of gender or a good and committed relationship 😉

He is Unproposed, not Desperate- The Unproposed Guy

He drinks green tea, not just espresso.

He likes music, not just Despacito and cliché so.

He is funny but he fails to show it off to his girl.

She gets sweet gifts but he just can’t buy a pearl.

He loves it when the gown he bought makes a twirl.

Like everyone, he too needs a partner.

Unlike anyone, he wishes to be her armor.

Though he was a charmer, sharper and smarter,

Unfortunately, he becomes her kindergartner.

He drives her crazy in long rides, being himself with her.

Nonetheless, she considers him as her chauffeur.

He is not rude; he is straightforward.

Nevertheless, she thinks it’s awkward.

She has many friends in guys, he is insecure.

To get her attention, he skips his supper.

Her touch is ecstatic for him, he senses.

Her smile makes his whole day, feels head over heels.

Every time she calls on him, he drops what he does.

He wasn’t her best bud but that wasn’t the fuzz.

She can’t be her friend, he thinks.

Before he is friend zoned, he kneels.

So he proposes her and makes a jinx.

Like every other, she says ‘You are not the one’.

It was all over again when it was time to run.

He thought all his life he stood by her side.

But she just considered him Romeo who always lied.

He felt out of pride and the high tide rose inside.

Why is it so that his rhyme has to be perfect and his delivery flawless?

Why is it so that the burden is always on him who can’t seek solace?

Why is it so that he is devoid of love and care and becomes clueless?

He may not be Chandler Bing but he has a good sense of humor.

He may not be Sheldon Cooper but he has no brain tumor.

He may not be your fictional character, but he is a real funny narrator.

To all the ones who think ‘I lack that (P-Factor) Proposed-Factor’

Actually, you don’t lack anything because you are a New-clear reactor.

He may not be romantic because he ain’t plastic.

He may not take you to Atlantic, but he is fantastic.

<He may not be proposed anytime because he ain’t desperate every time>

A recall to the Un-famous & Un-Proposed me

Approximately before a year, I wrote this :

A recall to the unfamous me.

I will keep writing this until I become famous (You can laugh OUT loud).

So, I was at the project café, alone (do you doubt?) and happy (you wish). I could see two couples but did eavesdrop of one. The one I wish I didn’t. Like-Bhavik & her dates of 2013–14–15 in a café, where even the waiters could anticipate the newness and extravaganza. It was usual and fun; they both enjoyed and had a great time, I assumed and would definitely move to the next date, only if I could confirm.

The other duo, like always and like every other days, were embarrassing me because the girl was so beautiful and I couldn’t figure out a way to find a single reason if the boy was nearly intellectual or smart or (nahi, handsome to tha) aur ha (Paisewala bhi tha) okay, where was I? Why was the girl with that guy? Are haan, paise ka bol dia na mene? Acha chalo, next.

The girls sometimes looks so beautiful to me that I don’t even feel like I am human, I am just a pet dog, a real pet dog, who wants to ride the car but would always be in the lap of the side seater, aur me bhi, matlab, muh mese shabd nahi nikalte itni achi wali bhai, matlab k tum pucho hi mat, babu.

Anokhi aaur Adhuri daastayein of how a normal guy was forced to transform into ‘The Unproposed Guy’. A Scientific Definition of #UnProposedGuy (Because wo science student tha)

Unproposed= An unlucky human being who has never had any eye contact with a girl & doesn’t know what ‘Love at First Sight’ is.

Maths (Because it’s necessary) — When you add this guy to any point of line, it becomes pointless.

Physics (Duniya kayam hein) — This guy, like energy, can neither be created nor destroyed. It just transforms meaninglessly.

Chemistry (He had never had any) — Un (Bun without B) + Pro (Master of none) + Pose (What?) + D (Ex) <=> This Guy (Reversible Reaction)

PS- The Unproposed Guy hates everything that includes & involves Coitus.

Here, how the #unproposedguy will miss himself.

Once upon a ‘Before-millenial’ era, an ugly child was born.

Not his fault, the whole town was ugly. (Fortunately, child had no single horn)

Moving to a city made no difference & gave him a beamer.

In fact, his life was less creamer, became gradually dimmer.

Moving to another big city, the decision was lamer

Jese faltu mein koi fast bowler se ban gaya spinner.

‘You can’t keep a girl- NO!’ now, he was a role model for every loser.

His life was a lie, lied between ‘Aww’ and ‘Ooo’, never befitted as a winner.

The Weak Point Dealer aka Douchebag’s Dude walked a mile.

Even the name Lame Loader didn’t help him to sit on the aisle.

So, in frustration, he checked some old files for a while.

He realized he would never be able to impress other genders.

Thus, start hua ek silsilla, an essay of all blunders.

From all those blunders, he always expected some wonders.

That wonderful day, the ‘wonder’ happened wonderfully and then, he lived happily. ‘Not The End’.

To.be.continued.

This article was originally published on Medium.com

The Last Crush of My Life

Did I already say you were more than a crush?

I was awestruck when I first saw you blush.

Vivaciously I fell head over heels and got adrenaline rush.

Your ‘no degree’ eye deflection towards anyone put my feelings in flush.

Actually, from the first, I was aware that you were plush.

Did I ever ask you to call?

It has not been so rare that I fall.

Very closely I have observed you, doll.

You sure you never noticed me a small?

Actually, I had no intention to cross the wall.

Did you know how much I liked you?

I am so sure about the number of gums you chew.

Vast lifestyle differences were one of the answers, it’s true.

You sure you never found a single minute to get my good view?

Actually, I know I did everything to get to you but got a sad Phewwwww.

Did I mention that I lost my self-esteem?

I wish I could talk to you as it was my dream.

Very rapidly, that beautiful dream turned into a daydream.

Your ‘I don’t give a F***’ attitude switched my fantasy to a sad theme.

Actually, it all happened for a reason before I could reach an extreme.

Did I tell you I wanted to confess your name so badly?

I could have broadcasted it on TV, Radio, and YouTube abruptly.

Very sincerely, I tried to get a good morning glance of yours daily.

Your ‘I am not looking at anyone’ omen hinted me to stop sadly.

Actually, I wish you could know how at the very first sight, I fell for you truly & madly.

Did I tell you they warned me that looks are deceiving?

I always unheard them as I felt some beautifully hidden meaning.

Very good, was never a compliment as I failed every time in pleasing.

Your ‘I can never be impressed by you’ gave me a disheartening screaming.

Actually, it all starts with the ravishing looks and ends with books, unceasing.

PS- Though I was ahead of her in the race of alphabets, I lost to her in the race of love.

Who is an Unproposed Guy?

A guy who has not been proposed by same (lol) or opposite gender. Here, the irony of the word lies in the eccentricity of it. Unproposed doesn’t at all mean he is ugly, lame, weak, or dumb. It’s just that he has not been into the focus or anyway the radius of girls’ retina.  A pessimist would say it’s all about luck :(, not me – I am a realist.

Here is how the profile (humor, totally) would look like if the hypothetical and ideal Unproposed Guy existed:

www.medium.com/@unproposedguy

Excerpts of all the failed so-close eye contacts with the beautiful girls I met and nearly all the Flopped ‘Love at First Sight’ moments, explained plainly.

Does this bio sound familiar?

It does – to me and to many millions across the world. Hehehe.