That is when I realized and started the process of accepting
After a spiritual experience which I am not even sure can be categorized as spiritual or not( well who is to authorize it anyway) an obsession built a nest in my head. I used to claim that during the experience that I had, when it was happening, it was the only time I felt really happy. Ineffable happiness. And that was a standard I created which I thought would never be matched in my living form and thus I would never find such happiness again in my life. Not at least doing all the worldly chores that are essential, rather that are made essential and necessary by us, the people, the so called “society”. And the obsession was to fly. Literally fly in the sky, the firmament, free like a bird, in a form not human, in a form not physical, no worldly worries, no degrees required to show off your qualification and thus getting judged about your abilities, no job or work to be done to earn money and save them to buy things, materialistic things.
That was my obsession. To fly. I knew, the non physical form was not possible and so I was okay to fly with this very body. But no machines or wings. Spiritually, yes some people might say that it is possible, but just for the sake of it, let’s say it is impossible.
Then one day, I decided to take a break from work and left. There was no one waiting for me, there was nowhere that I had to reach, there was no worrying about going back home.
Another day, my best friend came to visit me. And it is a by default law that we would go for a drive at night on the bike far away from the city to have tea. We like riding on the bike, the both of us. And road trips is my fascination and has been his reality. So, we go for ride, singing soulful songs. He is a singer cum musician just to clarify. And me, a crow or a toad for that matter. And yet I would sing not worrying about getting judged. Just him and me, the silent night and the roaring Bird.
One more instance, just the last one. It was when she left. My another best friend. I met her after 6 months and she had come to visit me for a day. It would have been nice if we had more time to hang out, but it was not important.
It would just be like listing out the pros and cons for a decision to be made, and you still want more time to think about it. The facts and your thoughts are in front of you, thinking more and more would do no good.
So , on the above occasions, I felt happy. If I am going to be stubborn on the image that I had created, a must condition to be fulfilled, I would never in my life be happy. I would never want to live that kind of life. I would definitely be depressed. As I said, my condition was impossible to be fulfilled.
And yet I was happy. I felt like I was flying, even if it was not literally.
That is when I realized and started the process of accepting that we might not get our conditions and demands fulfilled so as to feel or do something.
Once an uncle of mine said that it a notion that we have created that writers, musician and all the artists in general are “moody”. They are weird. And there are times when they feel something inside them and then they write or create music, and it turns out to be amazing. That is an excuse that can be used. He said to me, that I could write whenever I wish to. There is no need of a perfect ambience or mood. I too had and still have a lot many demands like this. Unless I don’t get the ambience, the silence, “the feel” that I want, I cannot write. But I want to write which I don’t eventually. Frustrating. Unless I don’t have someone to motivate me, support me, I won’t feel good and motivated to pursue what I find is difficult and requires a lot of efforts on my part. Frustrating. Complaints. And it is easy, to complaint and blame it on others or the situation.
Every time life is not going to present us with our demands. If we usually get it and then do what we are supposed to, then that is not life. You are being conned. How will we grow then!! If life was a treat, comfortable, then what and how will we learn? It is the dislike and discomfort that teaches us. The problems and failures are the real teachers. They are not meant to please us. It is just an image we have created, like the obsession I had. I was happy without my condition being fulfilled. You can achieve whatever you want to even if your demands are not met. And like happiness, the results might not be in the same form that you had imagined.
I have this one philosophy. Well, I have many, but one of them is this:
Life is a story. The plot is not important. It can change. And it does with every other human being. The important thing is the moral. What you learn from the experience, how much you have grown after having gone through it is what matters. And thus, I always say, work is not life, work is a part of life. So don’t get too stressed about work or even education. Education is also just a part of life. Uneducated people can also earn well. It all depends on you. You can complaint and sit doing nothing. Or you realize that your story is in your hands. You have a choice in each and every field of your life. Even in the pettiest decision of your life, you always have a choice. You either want your wants and your created image of the outcome or you do it without your demands and grow and get the outcome, imagined or not(but identified).